Sanctuary

Being in a foreign land, I found myself groping for a place of refuge. In my prosaic attempt to actually bear the tribulations of living so far away from my friends (this is after all the excitement had worn off), I stumbled upon "my sanctuary"...

The path leading to my sacred place

I go here for the greatest and lamest of reasons. This place had been a witness to the rollercoaster that is my life. It has heard all my (necessary and unnecessary) grievances, a sole attestant to my deep-seated loathings, lone witness to the shivers that a good book gives me.

This is my stage and the living creatures around here are my loyal audience. The cliff has endured the echoes of my screams and it cradled my unrestrained laughter (parang baliw lang?) without complaints.

========

I promised a very dear friend that I will also post a picture of my lunch area...

I normally spend my lunch time alone, unless Neens and I make plans to meet up (which is not very common since my office is 9 bus stops away from hers). The Park has offered a kind of solitude that you can rarely get in a busy downtown setting.

People would always ask me to spend lunch with them but I almost always decline (office party lunches are often hard to resist). Not because I am an anti-social (o sige na nga, a little!) but mostly because I consider this time as my "holy hour". A necessary break from the morning that had gone by and a significant energy booster for the afternoon that has yet to come.

A peek into my world. =)

COMMERCIAL**

I went to Party Packagers yesterday to buy stuff for JD's birthday party. My mom saw an afro wig and had JD try it on.

One thing's for sure - afro or no afro, my son's the cutest!

Linger

Isa ang blog niya sa mga araw-araw kong binibisita. Nung una, natutuwa lang ako na magbasa ng mga lathala niya dahil magaling siya magsulat. Nang lumaon, I realized that more than his flare for writing, it was the sincerity of the emotion that envelopes his every post that draws me to his blog. Dahil sa kanya, kahit papano sumasagi sa isip ko paminsan-minsan na siguro nga, hindi pare-pareho ang lahat ng lalake. Dahil sa kanya at sa mga kaibigan niya, nabibigyan ako ng pag-asa na meron pang natitirang good sa MANkind.

You can just imagine my frustration ng malaman kong wala na ang kanyang "sanctuary". Pero panandalian lang yung naramdaman kong yun. Dahil alam ko namang hindi siya mawawala. Once a writer, always a writer, ika nga. At bilang patunay, hayaan niyong maging daan ang blog ko para ibahagi sa inyo ang kanyang pinakahuling tula.

nangangati na akong tumula
ngunit tumakas na ang aking salita
wala na ang ningas ng pagtatalata
tapos na ba ang tula bago pa ang simula?

humimlay na sa limot ang tangi kong pluma
papel kong sulatan nama'y nakas ang tinta;
dahil ba ito sa pag-asang malaon ng wala?
...o dahil sa karuwagang inangki't alintana?
- LETHALVERSES -

Bro, sa pagbalik mo, andito pa din kami. Naghihintay sa muling pagbabahagi mo ng kapiraso ng iyong sarili. Hindi lang dahil masugid mo kaming tagahanga. Higit pa roon, dahil kaibigan mo kami. PANGAKO.


As Above, So Below...

Old & Bold

Ever Mine

Ever Thine
Ever Ours.

"It wasn't logic, it was love"

"No matter who broke your heart or how long it takes to heal, you'll never get through it without your friends."


Neens and I went to see Sex and the City the other night, a girl's night out and it was just what I needed! I wasn't a regular viewer of the sit-com when it aired on TV and I had only seen a handful of episodes. I went in thinking it would be a bit of a laugh and not too deep but I was pleasantly surprised. First, there were some men in the theatre and I hadn't really expected to see this but in honesty, they were older men and I didn't see any men of the younger, say under 30 age bracket. This movie had the bits of nudity, sex and ridiculously expensive clothing, shoes (I now officially adore Manolo Blahnik) etc. but it also had deeper messages of truth and honesty, betrayal, forgiveness, self love, hope, boundaries and above all the support and love of deep friendship. I left the theater with some deep thoughts whirling through my awareness along with a sense of happiness.

Thank you so much, sister friend for seeing the movie again just so I didn't have to go alone. I could not wish for a better movie-buddy. Loveyah, sis!

(Pasensya na at nauna ang commercial ko kesa sa main entry. I needed to get this out of my system kasi I really fell inlove with the movie)

=============================================

My cousin and I were enjoying the spring breeze at a Starbucks' patio the fortnight – talking about life and what not, planning an upcoming vacation, having a good laugh about things I'm not allowed to mention here (okay, I'm probably allowed but really I choose not to since it would ruin my otherwise innocent image *wink*wink*).

We have barely taken advantage of the afternoon zephyr when a group of what looks to me like 9^th graders arrived to rain on our parade. Rowdy teenagers with fraps and lattes in tow settled at the seats directly adjacent from where my cousin, Bianca and I are situated (Jeez! coffee drinkers are getting younger everyday, eh? I remember I started drinking coffee when I was in college. Mom said drinking coffee at a young age would potentially impede my growth).

Listening to their conversation, since you can't really help it as they're talking very loudly, Bianca and I couldn't resist the urge to smile at how naive they could be. After all, they're kids, they're entitled to that. Amazing how many things you could get away with when you're young and free.

We ended up reminiscing the “not so distant past” (dahil hindi pa naman ako gaano katandaan noh!) of ripped cut-offs, sneakers, grunge shirts (yes, head-banger ang goddess nung kanyang kabataan), mall-hopping, cutting classes, truancy and whatever mishaps we managed to get ourselves into when we were A LOT younger.

Then Bianca started fretting about her upcoming birthday. She's turning 21 and already she feels so old. Eh kamusta naman ako? Gurang na at 28??!!? She asked me what are the important lessons I've learned in my 28 years of existence. I don't know if it was the triple espresso shot in her latte, because she normally doesn't ask what she brands as “emo questions”. After remaining silent for a couple of minutes, I realized she was waiting for an answer.

So, ano nga ba ang natutunan ng Goddess?

First: you may have a family; you may have friends; people you trust; people you run to in times of need; people who knows you inside and out. But ultimately, how you live your life is entirely up to you. You are responsible for your actions; for whatever you make out of the life that was given to you.

And

Age is nothing but numbers!

Age doesn't matter.

Kalabaw lang ang tumatanda.

We don't grow old, we mature.

You're only as young (or as old) as you feel.

Hindi nakakatakot tumanda, ang nakakatakot, yung tumanda ng walang pinagkatandaan.

Sure, when I was 16 I thought 20 was old. Then I turned 20 and I said 30 is old. Now I'm nearing the big 3-0 and I can say, 'yes, I'm not as young as I used to be (hirap pa din akong tawaging old ang sarili ko. Hahaha!) but I am definitely wiser and a better human being.

And yes, I have faults that can put even the meanest of mean to shame but those faults have helped me in becoming a better person and I'd like to think that those mistakes have aided in putting me where I am now. To quote Bianca, “Disgrasyada man ako, hindi pa din ako disgrace to the human race”.

It is true that as we add years to our lives, our responsibilities start to append; thus going back to lesson number 1.

To my cousin, Happy Birthday! This calls for another triple grande non-fat caramel macchiato – on me!

As Above, So Below...

Wanted: TATAY

Sometimes I'd listen outside her door
And I'd hear how my mother cry for him.
I pray for her even more than me...
I know I'm praying for much too much,
But could you send back the only man she loves.
I know you don't do it usually

But dear Lord she's dying to be with my father again.

Sir,

I'm not sure how to address you. Mom said you'd liked to be called “tatay”. Tatay means dad, right? And dads are supposed to be helping moms raise their kids. Although I know that not all moms and dads are together (because when mom thinks I'm sleeping already, she doesn't know that I'm still awake watching her family dramas on TV) still they help each other in bringing up their kids. But with all due respect sir, I don't see you doing that. Actually, I vaguely even remember you. I just know that even before you realized the gravity of the whole situation, you felt happiness upon learning that you are going to have me. The look in your eyes when mom first told you about me can't deny the joy that was probably welling up inside you. But as soon as the fire in your eyes lit up, it died down almost altogether.

Three years had passed since that fateful day.

You know sir, I'm starting school next year. Isn't that great? Too bad you'll miss it. Sadly, you've already missed so many firsts in my life. How many more are you willing to miss? Will you not be there to teach me to ride a bike? Who am I going to play basketball with (mom said you're pretty good at it)? How about my first little league's game, are you gonna miss that too? Who's going to lecture me about girls and walk me through my first heartbreak? I know most dads would give their right arm for the opportunity to be a part of their son's many firsts. Would you, sir?

Whenever I see my cousins with their dads, my thoughts would provoke me to ask mom where you are. She'd only smile and tell me that someday, I'll understand. That right now, you're making things right for your “lawful family” (whatever that means). Sir, can you do me a favor? While you're busy doing the things that you're doing, please don't forget about me. I'm not asking that you think of me all too often because that might be too much to ask for. Just once in a while when you're not too busy.

I don't know if I could say that I'm lucky because I know you're there but what good does that do? Knowing you're alive yet I couldn't feel your presence. Knowing you exist somewhere in this universe yet realizing that I might never experience having you by my side. To say the least, I may never be given the chance to even see you.

There are so many questions in my mind right now. At least whatever my little brain can afford. The most pressing one at the moment would be 'why aren't you with us right now'? I could remember you telling mom when I wasn't born yet that you'll be there for us no matter what happens. That no matter the circumstances, you will be a father to me even if you can't be a husband to mommy.

Broken promises, broken dreams. The saddest part? You left mom a broken woman.

I saw her pain, her sufferings. For the longest time, those are the only things that reflect in her eyes. And although I'm too young to understand, one is never too young to feel such pain. After all, for many months, I was close to her heart beating. And let me tell you, sir, it only beats for you.

At times when everything is just too much for her to bear, I see her crying. Whenever I'm being difficult and I give her a hard time, she cries. Mom cries a lot, you know but she doesn't show anyone. She cries at night, when everyone else is asleep. I hear her asking God to give her strength.

I can see her frustration and sometimes she thinks she's failing as a mom. I know she is thinking that she isn't supposed to be doing this alone but mommy never blamed you for anything. When she would talk to me about you, she'd always tell me that you are a good man and that the two of you are just victims of circumstances. Probably when I'm older, I'll understand what she means.

I don't hate you sir. But I cannot honestly say that I love you. Because for one to say that he loves someone, there has to be a foundation. We never had that. But if there is even the remotest possibility for that to happen, I will not pass on it because while you're still deciding whether or not you want to be a father to me, let me tell you that...

I am your SON.
JD

Every night I fall asleep and this is all I ever dream...

COMMERCIAL: Para sa ngayon pa lang napadpad dito, si JD po ay anak ko. Kayo na ang bahalang tumahi ng istorya naming mag-ina... Happy Father's Day sa lahat ng tatay, daddy, papa, papi, father, at kung ano pa mang term ninyo diyan! Enjoy your special day. At sa tatay ko na hindi naman (sana) nagbabasa ng blog ko, babatiin ko pa din siya dahil gusto ko lang (blog ko to, wag kang makialam!). Happy father's day & I love you, pa! Distance didn't prevent you from becoming the world's greatest dad.

On Life and Whatever Comes After

Quarter past 4pm. I was already on my way to the elevator to avoid the “4:30pm rush”(at that time, elevator stops at every floor because there seems to be a non-verbal agreement among the building's tenants that the day is over. I, being on the 35^th floor, get the shit-end of the deal).

34^th floor. Two guys came in and they seem to be engaged in a very animated conversation about death and what not. Feeling very tired and useless from a day's work, I couldn't make much of their conversation (although frankly, I just didn't want to run the risk of coming across as nosy or probably, i just didn't give a hoot). However, one of them said something that caught me off-guard.

"When I die, I'm going straight to heaven."

To which guy number 2 vehemently disagrees saying that he's pissed off far too many people in his lifetime and that at this point, purgatory sounds more realistic. Then with all the confidence that guy number 1 could muster, he retorted:

“You see, I'm living my hell here on earth already. So, I'm pretty sure I'll get my rewards in heaven in the after life."

By now, everyone in the elevator was laughing (while the elevator missed a couple of floors, most of the employees probably had the same mind-set as me & decided to go home early. Darn!). Although it may seem that he was holding on to some twisted logic and however ridiculous that thought may be, it didn't leave my already bewildered consciousness.

See, I have always said that I'm not religious. I even go as far as saying that I don't have religion – I have faith. I hardly ever go to church which is a clear violation of the third commandment. My mom and aunts would always nag me about this. It is not surprising to hear them say that it is a struggle to get me to church on Sundays. On the few occasions that they triumphed over me, I am there merely to observe.

Church-goer1: Uy, di ba yan 'yung anak ni _________ na disggrasyada?
Church-goer2: Ay, oo nga! Ang bata niyan nagkaanak. Hindi pa nakatapos mag-aral.

(Gossip much??)

Church-goer 3: Ano ba namang mag-damit yang babae!
Church-goer 4: Hindi na nahiya! Buti sana kung bagay.

(Ampf! Akala ko inappropriate ang damit for church, yun pala hindi bagay kay manang ang spaghetti strap niya!)

I have observed way too much comical episodes the few times that I “hang out” in what is supposedly known as God's home. To put them all here would just be, well... too futile.

The last time I went to church, I was with my family and there were only a few people inside the shrine (as this church is more of a tourist spot than anything and we went on a low season so there weren't as much people). JD, my son,was getting restless so by the time the priest was giving his homily, he had to stop in mid-sentence and gave me a look which for me said that I have to get out of there as my son is disrupting his mass.

Feeling very humiliated, I picked up JD and went outside. Mind you, it was raining hard and frequent thunder could be heard throughout that gloomy afternoon. I was pacifying my son but to no avail. He only cried louder because he was terrified of thunders (if you have a vivid imagination, you could picture perfectly what a pitiful site we were that time). As if that wasn't bad enough, someone came out and told me that JD's crying could be heard inside the church and that people can't concentrate. He then ORDERED me to go where we can't disturb nobody – in that weather! Rain pouring hard, thunders galore and this supposedly conscientious human being wants me to brave that with my 2-year old son in tow! Well, kiss my pretty li'l a**!

Whatever happened to “let the little children come to me and do not hinder them”? Unless, they have revised the bible without letting the public know, I am pretty darn sure that it used to be in there somewhere.

For me, my temple, my place of worship is wherever I can communicate with my Creator. My ritual is celebrating my relationship with God in a manner I deem appropriate. Not engaging in some iconic worship with a bunch of two-faced entities.

I have also broken the 6^th commandment (I have elaborated this on my previous post). By doing so, i have hurt a number of people along the way. Sadly, most of them are people I care about deeply. I realized what a big mistake it was so before it got completely out of hand, I decided to make things right. I have already asked forgiveness for this a dozen times or so.

That's two out of the ten commandments that we're not supposed to break according to some, dare I say, hypocritical doctrines(I'm sure I've broken a couple more but I won't go into details with all the others for fear of coming across as an evil bitch. Hehehe!). Does this mean I will no longer experience the welcoming and loving arms of God in the after life?

If that's the case, I shudder to think what heaven is like – probably empty. Because I don't know of a single person who hasn't violated at least one of the commandments. This might be the reason why we never hear anyone say “This is one heaven of a party”, or “It's a heaven of a gathering”. It can't be a party if it's empty, eh?

But seriously though, shouldn't the general rule be “Live your life as fairly as possible”? Notice that I added 'as possible' because I know that no matter how hard we try, at some point we're bound to make mistakes. Try as we might to do what's right, sometimes poor judgment gets the better of us and it is inevitable to hurt or mistreat people as we thread on our journey through this life.

I am not perfect. I doubt anyone is. I can tell you this though, I strive to be a better person. I try to be fair. At the end of the day, it's between me and my God. I answer to no one but him. And if He is the God that I believe Him to be...

I KNOW I AM SAVED.

As Above, So Below...

Unfinished Business

I’ve been hearing a lot of this lately. What exactly does an unfinished business entail? One’s ardent need for closure? Feeling of inadequacy? Major (even minor) set backs? Inability to let go? Failure to move on? Perhaps all of the above.

When someone leaves us it is inevitable that they create a void and a sense of emptiness in us. Making another person compensate for whatever that someone has left behind is utterly unfair and just downright wrong – whether or not it was done willfully.

I do not claim to be an expert and as far as I’m concerned, no studies had been done to prove this, but probably, some relationships fail because WE (note that I didn’t say “they” or “you” as I acknowledge being among those who commit this mistake) jump into relationships much too quickly. Thinking that after being broken, the easiest way to move on is by allowing someone to come into our lives and expect them to complete us - to make us whole.

I know now that this should not be the case.

After being torn apart by a destructive (for lack of a better term) relationship, don't involve yourself with someone and just assume that they'd make things right for you. Don't let anyone pick up the pieces for you - better yet, don't let anyone pick up the pieces WITH you. Because while the idea sounds charming, in the long run, it is rather afflictive. After all, the moment you decide to let somebody new walk into your life, there shouldn't be anymore pieces to pick up. You should've already fought your own battle and made yourself whole.

If you take on another relationship without fully recovering from the previous one, without wholeheartedly acknowledging and learning the lessons, without thoroughly reassessing what went wrong and what you truly want and if you have not totally let go, you run the risk of repeating the same mistakes. The worst that can happen? The next time will also turn out to be an "unfinished business".

Tie all the loose ends in your life before embarking on a new journey with someone. You owe that to yourself and to the next person who'll come in your life. When you enter in a new relationship, you should never expect that it would be a continuation of the previous one. It's not merely a new chapter in your lovelife. It's a whole new book! You are still the author, of course, but this time, different characters, different situations and hopefully, a whole new ending -- your happily ever after.

As Above, So Below...

AFFECTED

For the sole reason na ginising ako ng aking superfriend (na itatago natin sa alias na SENSIBLE PERSON) ng bonggang bongga, eto at ishe-share ko sa inyo ang nag-transpire sa aming maigsing pagcha-chat kanina:

GODDESS: eh kasi gusto ko nga siya..

GODDESS: gusto niya ko

GODDESS: kaso hindi pwede...

GODDESS: nakakainis!!

SENSIBLE PERSON: so get over it. alam mo namang hindi pwede eh.

GODDESS: i know that's what i should do

GODDESS: but he's not making it any easier by still being there

GODDESS: and he keeps on reminding me na sayang lahat

SENSIBLE PERSON: pwede mo naman syang i permanent offline sa YM

GODDESS: eh hindi lang naman yun

GODDESS: pano yung emails?

GODDESS: yung text?

GODDESS: offline messages?

GODDESS: calls?

GODDESS: nakakaloka yun

SENSIBLE PERSON: ikaw

GODDESS: umiiwas ako, ****.. maniwala ka

GODDESS: hindi lang nagiging madali dahil andyan siya palage

SENSIBLE PERSON: is he still bugging you? or ikaw ung nagpapa-bug sa sarili mo?

SENSIBLE PERSON: i just dont understand why youre so affected

SENSIBLE PERSON: eh nagkaroon lang nman kayo ng "thingy" nung umuwi ka dito

SENSIBLE PERSON: hindi naman naging kayo in the first place

SENSIBLE PERSON: so i was assuming that theres not much emotions involved

SENSIBLE PERSON: sorry kung medyo harsh


**Bket nga ba ako affected sa'yo ng masyado? Kung tutuusin, the amount of time we spent together does not justify the tremendous amount of sentiment that I'm feeling right now. I am probably just overwhelmed by the attention you're giving me until now. Biruin mo, andyan ka pa rin kahit na sinabi ko na sa'yo na this can't go on any longer kasi MALI. Persistent ka! Kung naging tama lang ang sitwasyon, tagal na kitang pinatos (the term!). Pero, hindi nga ganun ang sitwasyon! Mali nga, MALI!! At kahit anong gawin natin, hindi maitatama ang mali ng isa pang pagkakamali... Kaya wag ng makulet!

Tama si SENSIBLE PERSON kaya salamat!

As Above, So Below...

Para Sa'yo

Napapagod ka na rin ba?
Natatakot sa kung ano man ang hatid ng bukas?
Nahihirapang bigyang linaw ang mga pangyayari sa kasalukuyan?
Naguguluhan sa sari-saring emosyong sabay-sabay mong nararamdaman?
Nangungulila sa mga gabing luha at buntong-hininga lang ang tangi mong karamay?


Para sa’yo na ilang ulit ng dinurog at winasak ng pag-ibig
Para sa’yo na maka-ilang beses ng pinaglaruan at pina-ikot ng kapalaran…

Huwag kang susuko! Hindi ka nag-iisa.

Huwag mong hayaang sirain ng mapait na kahapon ang tamis na maaaring idulot ng bukas. Isipin mong kailangan mong pagdaanan ang lahat ng ito para matutuhan mong pahalagahan ang kung ano mang nakalaan para sa’yo.


Para sa’yo na nahihirapang magpatawad
Ikaw na nakakulong sa rehas ng pagkamuhi
At nananatili sa sulok ng karimlan…

Lumaya ka!

Palayain mo ang sarili mo sa pighating dulot ng hindi mo pagpapatawad. Huwag mong ipagdalamhati ang mga bagay na lumipas na dahil wala kang kakayahang baguhin pa ang mga ito. Ang kahapon ay magsisilbi na lamang na gabay sa kasalukuyan at paghahanda sa pagharap sa darating na bukas. Hindi na siguro kailangan pang dalhin mo ang lahat ng poot ng nakaraan sa pagsalubong sa bagong umagang naghihintay sa’yo.


Para sa’yo na sinusubukang magpakatatag
Para sa’yo na kinakaya ang bigat ng mundo sa iyong mga balikat
Ikaw na pilit binibigyan ng kabuluhan ang lahat…

Saludo ako sa’yo!

Huwag mong hayaang hilahin ka paibaba ng lahat ng pasakit na nararamdaman mo. Sa mga panahong gusto mo ng sumuko… Sa mga pagkakataong gusto mo ng wakasan ang lahat, isipin mo lang na ang lahat ng kalungkutan ay may katapat na kaligayahan.


Para sa ating lahat…
Sa tamang panahon at sa takdang oras, ang lahat ay magkakaroon ng kahulugan. Sa ating paghihintay, matutuhanan sana nating pulutin ang bawat aral na kalakip ng mga iba’t ibang karanasan natin sa buhay.

Subukan nating tanggapin ang NOON
Pahalagahan ang NGAYON
At paghandaan ang BUKAS

As Above, So Below...

ULAN

GODDESS
Sent from HTC Touch© Handheld Device

The ONLY MAN in my life

Isn't he the cutest?

And yes, right now, he is the ONLY MAN in my life. I will give and give up everything for my little guy.

I hope someday, he'll be proud of me - for the way I raised him... For the love I showered him... For the sacrifices I made... For the chance I took.. But most especially, I want him to be proud of me for being strong for him because there wasn't a DAD to do that for the two of us.

I love you, baby!

GODDESS
Sent from HTC Touch© Handheld Device

Contentment

Why do people always find something to complain about? Is it an inate human characteristic? Why is it so hard for contentment and satisfaction to come around most of us? Is it because we were bestowed with a rather advanced intellect? Pero malay mo, even animals find it hard to be contented at times. That shall remain a mystery.

Back in the day, when I was still living in the Philippines, I would have given anything for a chance to go abroad. Kahit saang abroad! My mind-set was walang asenso sa Pinas. Even if I work my pretty a** off, I won't earn enough to sustain myself and my son. I found every fault known to mankind and made those the reasons why I wanted to leave my motherland. It was a very easy decision back then -- I'll leave the Philippines for a better life for my precious child, period! I told myself, kapag nakaalis ako, kuntento na ko. Oh, c'mon!!

Now, here I am, thousands of miles away from the land I swore I'll never set foot again (this is just for effect!), and yet all I want to do is come back. I work hard so I can save enough airfare to go on a vacation (well, of course, I work so I can pay utilities, food, child care, etc, etc...). Still, I am not contented where I am. I'm not satisfied eventhough I have a good job here. I never have to worry about my son's future because I have that taken care of should I need to "go" at an unexpected time. I don't need to fret about my retirement as I have prepared for that as well. But even with all the good things that life here has offered me, I long to go back to the Philippines.

My last vacation to the Philippines, I almost didn't want to go back here. I was actually hoping that I'd miss the plane as that would be a valid excuse to stay at least one more day. Sad to say, I made it to my flight with 30 minutes to spare. The whole flight back here was agonizing. I cried the entire time wishing that I never left. But I know in my heart of hearts that had I stayed, I still won't be contented. I'll just go back to saying that I wanted to leave because I want a better life.

So really, where is this coming from??? Why, even with all the security that life is presenting me now, why do I still feel empty? Why do I still complain about things that I don't have? Say, yang pesteng lovelife na yan! Eh ano kung walang lovelife? So what kung mag-isa ko? Pero hindi ganun, eh. Ramdam ko yung kakulangan. I feel the void. I have so much complaints. I just won't enumerate coz I don't want to come across as reklamador, which in a way, I probably am. But since you're all familiar in my whirlwind love affair(S), yun na lang muna ang ico-complain ko!

My dad once told me that all that matters is that I'm healthy, I have job, I eat three meals a day and that I have a roof over my head. But according to my thesis adviser back in college, 'never settle', 'never be satisfied'. Because once you settle, once you are satisfied, then you'll stop striving for more. You'll cease aiming for perfection. Also according to him, the moment that you start thinking that you're contented where you are, that you're already on top, there's no way to go but down.

So, kanino ako makikinig? Sa tatay ko o sa thesis adviser kong hindi ko alam kung asang lupalop na ngayon?

FINALLY...

Before you get excited, it's not what you think. I am actually just wondering when I'd be able to say FINALLY, I am contented. That I am finally happy.

A friend of mine is getting married this year and my younger sister will jump in the band-wagon next year. Another friend just got hitched a couple of months back. I'm happy for them. At least people in my circle can say that FINALLY they have found the one that's meant for them. Their search is over.

It is not in my nature to get envious, moreso, when it comes to these things. I'll admit though that it gets in my nerves everytime people would come up to me and tell me na mauunahan pa ko magpakasal ng kapatid ko! I say, so what? It was never a competition between me and my sister. Besides, when we were younger, I kind of knew that she'd marry first. I don't know what it was but I guess I sort of don't see myself as the marrying kind. Maloko kasi ako.

Sometimes though, it gets to me. I always say that I'm scared to grow old alone. I told my friends that when we reach 55 and we're still single, we should just co-habitate. That way we'd grow old together. Pathetic! But really, where are you???? I thought I've met you already only to find out that you belong to someone else (again! hmpf!). Why toy with my emotions when you know fully well that being together is next to impossible? Why be nice and sweet and caring and everything I'd hope you'd be when we both know that this is insanity?

I can't really say that I'm proud of myself because I walked away even before it got out of hand. Because really, I came very close to staying. If I didn't have a plane to catch, I'd still be there and who knows where everything would lead? We have so many regrets and it hurts to know that there's nothing we can do about those regrets anymore. Sabi mo nga, right feelings at the wrong place and time. I'm sad that you're not my MR. FINALLY because I know we could've been great together. I'm thankful, however, for the chance of knowing you.

Good thing about being broken is the opportunity to reform and recreate ones self shedding the old and weak part and hopefully, as it is well advised, replace them with a stronger element. Move on to love again, with greater wisdom so as not to commit the mistakes of the past and yet maintain the innocence of being in love for the first time.

I LEAVE THE PAGE SATISFIED.

Commercial lang: Gas Dude, kasalanan mo to! kung di mo ko pinagpalit sa jollibee nun, eh di sana hindi natuloy ang date ko! Hindi sana ako nagkakaganito ngayon! Hmpf!

How to Move on

You don't owe anybody an explanation on how you choose to mend your heart...

You probably think I have an answer for this.

I don't.

There is no one sure-fire way to do this. One thing I know though is it's not easy. I tried every way imaginable and still, here I am -- stuck in the past. But with the help of friends (strangely enough, mostly ones that I've just met but who've been through the same path), I am slowly inching my way to recovery.

Letting go is not something you can force on yourself... Only time will be able to tell if you're ready. Allow yourself to feel the hurt and the pain. Learn from it because this will make you stronger.

Let it hurt you until it can hurt you no more... Let the pain be your guide. Only then will you be able to tell yourself that you've moved on and you've let go.

Remember this, in life, no matter what you do, you always have to look back. It's better that you allow yourself to feel this now and let it heal you so when you look back on your life, you will no longer feel pain and remorse. Instead you will remember this as something that made you a better person. If you force yourself to let go and you're not ready, everytime you look back, you'll fall into pieces, breakdown and hate yourself for it.

To YOU, thank you for opening my eyes and letting me see that there is indeed life after the turmoil. Thank you for making me realize that no matter how many times I get my heart broken, I can still be whole and continue my quest in finding the ONE. Because when I do, all the pain, all the suffering and all the hurt will be worth it.

And yes, I WILL LOVE AGAIN...

In time.

ESTUPIDA

Sabi mo antayin ko yung susunod mong post. Sabi mo dedicated sakin. Kaya ayun, inantay ko naman. Yun pala, pabibigatin mo lang ang loob ko. Wala ka kasing sinulat na hindi totoo... Right through the heart, ika nga. Lalo akong nainis sa sarili ko. Lalong pakiramdam ko, ang tanga tanga ko... ESTUPIDA - yan ang itawag niyo sa'kin.

Ngayong naituro mo na kung paano ang magmahal, pwede ituro mo naman kung paano mag-move on?

Hindi ako natatawa.

Hindi na din ako makaiiyak.

Catatonic Stupor.

Gusto ko ng maging manhid.

FOR YOU -- you know who you are.

In the end he would have destroyed you.

He almost did.

I'm glad you walked away when you did. It probably wasn't easy leaving him behind, with the kids in tow. More than anything, you did yourself a favor and I am so proud of you.

I could just imagine the hurt and the pain you had to go through this entire time and possibly still enduring at the moment. I know that no matter how I try to be there, and try as I might to make you feel that you're not alone in this, there will always be a void in you. Sadly, a void that only He can fill. It is very unfortunate that you cannot escape the fact that he is a part of you now and regardless of what you do, there will always be a link that will connect you to him. Perhaps what's harder for you right now is that he's still there. After everything he did, he has the nerve to still hang around like you're supposed to take this "like a man". I can't even believe that he still has the audacity to show himself to you.Talk about kapal ng mukha!

Sadly, moving on is always easier said than done. So, I say take it one day at a time. As your favorite song goes, "Everything will get better in time". Trying to live your life without him is painful but nothing can be more painful than hoping for something to change and things to get better when in your heart you know that it is truly over.

You have a good head on your shoulders. Don't let him mess with it. You're too smart for that.

I love you, sister friend!

DISCOVERY

i read everything.

i discovered something.

hindi ko alam kung tamang itanong kung "bakit". hindi ko din alam kung bakit ako nalungkot. nararamdaman ko naman na "baka ganun nga" pero dinedeny ko pa rin sa sarili ko. sayang kasi, eh. sayang ang alin? ewan ko! basta bigla akong nanghinayang. baka sakali kasing... wala! siguro ilusyon yun. tama! ilusyon ko lang yun... dala ng sari-saring emosyong nararamdaman ko. pero nalulungkot pa din talaga ako.

sana...

walang magbabago.

My Make-believe

In a world that only you and I exist, I can love you the way I want to...
In a world unknown to others, I get to call you mine...
In my make-believe world, I can once again feel happiness...
In this world that I created, I am contented just remembering what we used to be.

But when I'm no longer blinded by your memories and reality has pulled me back in, I know I have to face what's ahead of me -- without you.

It's a long journey and I know at some point I will come back to our make-believe world.

Wait for me...

GODDESS
Sent from HTC Touch© Handheld Device

Introducing: Chief

CHIEF: hows work?

GODDESS: dami work but i can't concentrate. too many distractions!

CHIEF: oh am i distracting you? sorry. i can leave you alone

GODDESS: no, it's fine, dami ko lang iniisip kaya distracted ako

CHIEF: whats on your mind?

GODDESS: a lot

CHIEF: need/want to talk?

GODDESS: just be there

CHIEF: always am
CHIEF: always have been
CHIEF: always will

GODDESS: thank you. you don't know how much that means to me… naguguluhan na talaga ako sa sarili ko!

CHIEF: what is this all about? and more importantly, is this just some phase?

GODDESS: i don't know! i'm in a roller coaster of emotions right now

CHIEF: sorry to be blunt but is this a hormonal thing maybe? or did something happen? or is this your way of getting rid of me?

GODDESS: getting rid of you? why would i do that???

CHIEF: i have no idea

GODDESS: you are the most sensible person i know and i wouldn't want to lose you

CHIEF: i only hope thats true

GODDESS: it is!!

CHIEF: so what's wrong pagong? why the sudden roller coaster ride?

GODDESS: it just dawned on me na i don't want to be the girl that every man wants to be with because he can get away with being with other girls... also, I want to be able to truly care for someone again… I don’t wanna be stranded in my past.

CHIEF: most would say that you had a good realization

GODDESS: i don't want to be the girl that doesn't care

CHIEF: sounds like good realizations to me. so why are you confused?
CHIEF: unless part of you wants to be that way? or maybe your too used to that kind of life?

GODDESS: siguro i'm just too scared din to start caring for the wrong person

CHIEF: we all have that fear. Its nothing new… what am i going to do with you.....

GODDESS: i don't even know what i'm going to do with myself! siguuro i need someone to tame me and make me believe that there is still some good left in MANkind...

CHIEF: don't expect someone else to tame you. if you can't do it yourself, you'll always look for it… as for MANkind, you've always known there was good there but you choose to ignore it. so don't blame men for this… you have more than your own fair share of the blame…. Blunt but the truth hurts

GODDESS: yeah it does… and the truth is about to make me cry!!!

CHIEF: then cry, nothing wrong with it

GODDESS: if i did give you a chance before, would you have taken me?

CHIEF: you know the answer to that already

GODDESS: i don't

CHIEF: my actions speak louder than words… or have you forgotten?

GODDESS: even if I was honest with you that time and I told you i was inlove with someone else, you would still take me?

CHIEF: if you were in love with someone else why would you want to be with me?

GODDESS: eh kasi yung mahal ko, may asawa nga diba?? and i was torn between giving you a chance and going with him... in the end i went for him

CHIEF: you made a choice… if you had chosen to be with me i'd take you… and i made that clear, several times! even though you still played me

GODDESS: i'm sorry

CHIEF: past is past… besides we cleared all that already. so now what do you want? what's on your mind? who am i? what am i?

GODDESS: right now, Chief, you are probably the only guy i could talk to about this. and i appreciate that you understand.

CHIEF: sometimes i wonder if i really do

GODDESS: you make it seem like you do and that means a lot to me

CHIEF: yeah, for all the good it does me

GODDESS: as for wh